The End of an Era

Once upon a time I started my career at Copps Food Center.As my career there comes to a close and I think back to all those yesterdays I spent there I decided to complain a bit about it. Most of my complaining you wont understand, but bear with me.

If one more person tells me to wake up or smile I'm going to develop a tremor. Christ. Then they all giggle like they are the first person to joke we're sleeping when we have 30 seconds between orders and we relax instead of doing jumping jacks.

One of the employees often speaks like yoda and it gets annoying. The only funny moment was when he scared a new guy by running up to him and asking, "Who you are?"

It's amazing how many people try to go out the in door. Then upon realizing their mistake they attempt to force the door open, rather than move to the other door. Since Copps went to automatic doors 10 years ago they now have large stickers in the middle of the door notifying which is in and which is out, instead of the apparently much easier push me pull me on the handles. It seems people are still having trouble with the "new" system.

I've often wondered if I could get more money from Copps if I held out a couple weeks, or filed a grievance to our non existing union. I've asked for raises but they usually say "Not for you." or "No Way." Followed with laughing like they are kidding. Apparently they weren't.

If there were one thing on my Copps wishlist it would be stools.

It doesn't matter whom the fly swatters are given to, flies run the back of the store.

Some white male american glorified G with big baggy corduroy pants was rambling about how he loved to "spin the black circle." It was quite lame but it made me think of the whole Mix Master Jon thing. Except Mix Master Jon was better, man

I enjoy when dissident customers think we'll be hurt by them threatening to shop at rival stores.The weird thing is it's never over big things, we could have blood all over the floors or bugs, rats, and even a larger type of animal loose in the store and that would be ok. However, if we are out of something, "That's it I'm going to Target!" Our indifference about their anger makes them even angrier. Forget a coupon and suddenly you're Pontius Pilate. I soon forget coupons as they're handed to me, it's a bad habit. It's amazing how fast people cast you to Satan's bed of fire over 30 cents.

A customer once had a shirt on that said, "Wisconsin: A State of Love and Trust." They should go to a Packer/Viking game.

Senile old men bring a ray or sunshine to the general low light that is a shift at copps. "Hey! I us lukin fo yor teevees n I aint seen none." One time two customers were discussing lead in their water and a guy we call Dirty Frank behind them screams out "I LIKE YELLOW LEAD BETTER" (I guess in reference to gold.) Then proceeded to laugh like an old man from a horror film. The women discussing their water woes gave him a polite laugh, I thought the whole thing was funny. That is, until I caught a whiff of his breath. It made me want go in hiding.

Whenever people ask for a discount on a slightly damaged can or something I can't help but think of the Seinfeld where George gets Elaine the sweater with the Red Dot on it. (There's no discount by the way.) Generally the cream corn on the inside tastes the same out of a dented can.

Every shift seems to be longer than the previous one. Even if there is an even flow of customers. Sometimes I daydream and picture myself swimming deep in one of the oceans or something not as lame as I struggle to stay alive and await the sweet release that is the end of my shift. However not every employee feels like I do. The evolution of my feelings about work has been interesting. Sometimes I want to go, sometimes I'm like Why go? I like money, they give me money, not a lot, but some. My feet always want to go, my wallet has a different opinion.

The other day a guy came back in telling me I owed him 10 more dollars, he said he saw all the bills when I counted them back to him, but when he stopped for gas a 10-spot had evaporated into thin air. Apparently he thought I did some kind of sleight of hand trick to rip him off. Whatever, there's nothing I can do. I gave him the 10 and off he goes. The next day I found out my drawer was off 10 bucks, imagine that. Moments like that make me lose faith in mankind.

This is a cool time of year in that this is when all the hot college girls start moving into town. It's always awkward when the hot girl turns out to be some guys daughter and he catches you checking various aspects of the girl out.

Seeing the old feeble people depresses me. Nothing is more depressing then stopping for gas and seeing an elderly woman behind the counter. In a small town you know its probably because they farmed all their life and don't have enough money to simply retire. In a larger town at least there's a better chance that they are doing it out of boredom than necessity. I still feel like I should be planning on how I'm going to jump the counter and break her fall when her hip gives out. They should be rocking on their porch or tending to their garden. Or something like the other TV old ladies.

Yeah lady, I'm open, that's why my light is off and the neon pink LANE CLOSED sign is up.

Seeing eye dogs still have to be on a leash, right?

One of these days I want to pull a lifeguard break. Do a mass evacuation of the customers while all of us employees go eat.

It's sad when 35 year old women buy alcohol and say as you scan it "I got ID." At this point U can't ask to see it because you don't want to patronize them by basicly saying "ok, let's see it young lady." (Or for that matter correct the improper grammar.) However if you assume they are joking and smile they might just be like "Ahhhhhhhhh, I'm old!" It's the do I look fat in this dress situation.

Copps is also patronized by a cast of neurotic characters spanning from the annoying to the outright insane. One such person we call Crazy Mary mutters 'Aye davanita' or something along those lines ad nauseam. Another woman hums loudly like no one can hear her and another brings her paintings with her everywhere she goes because, "They are too valuable to leave home where something could happen to them." I don't mean to pry because she has a mental condition but I always feel the obligation to tell her that the chances of something happening to them dragging them everywhere is WAY more that if they were left at home.

Its funny at night when we are down to our last exit how many people will go to a locked door and step on and off the sensor like 500 times despite the sign alerting them the door is locked. It reminds me of an insect bouncing off a window over and over, not being able to figure out why they cant get through.

I guess I'm just sick of being one of Copps' whipping boys. I feel like I should be chanting Hail! Hail! when the brass from Roundy's shows up to give their two cents on how this store they have never seen could be better run. While I can still talk about Copps in the present tense for another week or so the date we will be parting ways after three and a half years is just around the bend. I'd consider myself faithful though and where I'll be in a few years is up to God's dice, but I'm sure it will seem like light years away from the checkout lane. Nothings as it seems though. I can't wait for the insignificance of being one of a thousand programmers in a cubical. For now though I'll just jump in my car, adjust my rear view mirror, and take the long road to Sarah's. I'll yell ‘lame' like always at the owners of the many ‘fast' cars at McDonalds, by the by I'm complaining about nothing. Man I'm thirsty.

Other thoughts rolling around in the brain of "J"

It's storming so hard outside there aren't going to be leafs left in my tree tomorrow.

It sucks looking down and seeing an already red mosquito on your arms or legs and knowing you were too late.

I think I'd feel more like a man with a leatherman.

It sucks when something comes along that reminds you that youth doesn't equal immortality.

- Jeremy "Hey Foxymophandlemama, that's me" Lindgren wonders how long it will be before someone cracks the code.